I have a love/hate relationship with running.  I love it, but sometimes running doesn’t seem to love me back. 

Running is my singlemost favorite thing on the planet.  Even when I compare it with things like diet coke, popcorn, and dachshunds, running brings me the most joy.  My happiest moments in life, other than times with my husband, have been during a good run.  And cardiovascularly, even though I seem to suck at everything else, I am made for running.  The few 5+mile runs I’ve gotten to do have been a cinch, and always leave me wanting more.

But my legs seem not to want to cooperate.  Since I was in high school, at random intervals I’ve had hip, knee, ankle, and shin problems.  Bad joints run in my family (my dad was a runner in his 20s and had to quit entirely because of his knees) and I know eventually I will probably have early arthritis in some or all of those spots.  I was diagnosed with tendonitis earlier this year and it seems to be back with a vengeance.  I really think that I CAN be a runner though.  Most of my problems now can be linked back to the fact that I ran improperly because of my surgery foot and the fact that I keep getting impatient and trying to up my mileage too quickly.  Not training properly for my half was a huge mistake.

So where does that leave me with my half marathon???

I am signed up, with one of my best friends, for the Disney Princess Half Marathon on March 7th.  As of right now I can’t seem to run a mile without pain in my left shin.  The Half is 12 days away.  My friend is not ready either, I think her longest run to date has been less than 3miles.  But we are going to try.

I genuinely believe that most people, even couch potatoes, could probably go out to a race and finish 13miles.  And through a combination of running and walking, I am going to try and go finish those 13miles.  It is likely that I will hurt myself so badly I will have to stop halfway through.  It is even more likely that I will not be able to keep up the minimum pace and will be pulled off the course.  Either way, I am going to try.  I paid for this race – I want to at least see some of the sites and have a little bit of the experience.

I am really not sure what kind of range of people signed up for this Half, but it seems like a definite possibility that if I finish I will come in last.  I’ve come in last in more than half of the races I’ve ever run in.  At a race in high school I came in waaay last and then proceeded to puke my guts out.  And I’ve been cool with it.  I am a secure enough person not to be too shaken up by my last place, although it is embarrassing.  But in a BIG race like this Disney run?  I am terrified.  It is going to be MASSIVELY embarrassing.  But I’m going to try anyways, and hopefully my friend will be able to be with me through the whole awful/wonderful thing.

How do I feel now though???

Disgusted with myself.  I truly didn’t think I could lose as much respect for myself as I have.  It’s one thing to set a goal and not achieve it, but I didn’t even try.  I didn’t just want the experience of running a half marathon, I wanted the experience of training for one.  And more than $100 later in race fees I don’t have that.

I am pissed that I have tendonitis.  I am pissed that I had foot surgery. I am really pissed that I probably have tendonitis from running funny on my surgery foot.  But I am rational, and I understand that sometimes things happen.  I know that I have to let go of that anger.

But I can stay angry with myself.  All the out of my control stuff aside, I would be in a better race place right now if I had trained properly.  My training log is a joke.  Stretching daily would have helped.  Strength training would have helped.  Ultimately, I hope that I have learned from this.

So what happens next???

I’m pretty sure I’m going to be in intense pain post-half.  Whether I do 13miles or 4miles my body is not ready for either.  And obviously I’m going to push through more pain on race day then I would reasonably do in general.  I plan on taking at least 7 – 14 days off my legs after the race.

Then, I’m going to train again.  I’ve already written up a plan, I’ll be posting it later, to sloooooooowly increase my mileage.  I am going to start at 1mile – just one mile, absolutely no more in a given day – adding 1/2 a mile each week.  With lots of strength training and stretching built in.  I CAN run long distances.  I CAN be a runner.  I just have to approach it in a more mature way.

Advice?  Thoughts?  Criticisms?  Stories of your own to share?