It’s official, I need to pull it together.  Before I even start this post, I want to apologize in advance if I offend anyone.

It’s normal (ok) for me to be pissed about the two years of my life I lost to my terrible teaching job.  It’s normal to be pissed that I keep having physical issues that hold me back from running.  It’s normal to be pissed that I had to have foot surgery.  It’s normal to be pissed – even though I very happily make sacrifices for the husband – that Adam’s medical school schedule means I can’t have a job right now.

BUT, and this is a pretty big but (man that’s 8 kinds of a pun!)

That anger isn’t helping me.  And my version of “coping” has led to the fact that my pants barely fit and I feel trapped and itchy in my own skin.  And the fact that I probably will not be able to finish my half marathon.  And those two facts make me far sadder and angrier than any of the other stuff.

However, I knew all this before.  Maybe not with as much clarity but these thoughts have all been brewing.  What caused them to bubble over today?

I saw a severely overweight woman in the library at school today and had a mild panic attack.  I seriously had to sit down and catch my breath.  That kind of reaction is clear indicator that I need to make my health a priority again.

Let me just add in here that I’ve always had a really strong reaction to people I perceive to be unhealthy or isolated.  I don’t know what that is about, I’ve never lost someone close to me due to unhealthy habits and I’ve never been unpopular.  Nonetheless, when I worked at Cold Stone in high school and severely overweight kids would come in with their parents I would go in the back and cry.

The main point here is that I think I’m finally realizing my reality (or something that sounds less Dr. Phill).  And I’ll be back tomorrow, in better spirits.