*I’m sure you guys are getting sick of these introspective posts, but I’m a list-maker at heart, it’s how I clear my head.
The last couple of days have involved entire boxes of mac and cheese and much undocumented challenge straying. On a good note, they also involved a very positive meeting with a program head. The only one of my goals I’ve really kept is my break from running, ha!
I feel out of control. During my horrible teaching experience I became this negative, anxious person and it’s like I don’t know how to find my way back. My head space very much reminds me of a quote I copied down in my notebook in 8th grade –
Somewhere in the dead of the southern night my life had switched onto the wrong track and, without my knowing it, the locomotive of my heart was rushing down a dangerously steep slope, heading for a collision, heedless of the warning red lights that blinked all about me, the sirens and the bells and the screams that filled the air.
That was from Richard Wright’s memoir, Black Boy. It’s one of my favorite books; I turn down pages with passages I really enjoyed and that entire books is dog-earred! Just thinking about that quote helps me feel more like me again.
This morning I’m headed to campus with Adam to do some catch-up reading in the library. I’m also meeting my friend Katie for coffee at noon. I’ll be back this afternoon!
Have you ever felt ‘off track’ like me?
Eating Chalk 
I feel off track too! Not in lifestyle terms but in personality — I feel like I have become passive aggressive and negative — and like you, the things that make me feel like “me” again are reading favorite books, or listening to music I loved in jr. high/high school. Sometimes it’s easy to be the person you want to be and other times I think it takes consistent, deliberate effort, which sounds strange but is true in my experience…
I am here for you if you need me! Call me anytime, seriously! If you need to talk today, I should be free after 5.
That said, I think it’s natural to feel the way you do. You went to college and thought you’d picked a career, only to find out it wasn’t what you wanted. Going through that and the move to Buffalo is bound to make you feel off track.
I love, love the quote you copied (can’t believe you did that in 8th grade)!
Love you!
Sometimes we just need a week of journaling, boxes of macaroni and cheese and a friend to listen while we talk. Hang in there and allow yourself some down time to find peace again.